


Can it get any worse?

by fawsley



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-24
Updated: 2011-08-24
Packaged: 2017-10-23 01:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/244554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fawsley/pseuds/fawsley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock deserves to be killed and John is just the man to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can it get any worse?

‘Sherlock? Are you up there? Sherlock? There’s something horrible all over the doormat. And the hall carpet. And the stairs. At least they don’t have a carpet. But it’s still revolting. Sherlock? This is something to do with you, isn’t it? It’s utterly disgusting. Looks like egg yolk mixed with something brown and sticky. Like HP. Bloody hell. Sherlock?’

‘It is HP.’

‘HP?’

‘Do you have to repeat everything I say?’

‘And egg yolk?’

‘By Jove I think he’s got it!’

‘HP and egg yolk. All over everywhere. Doubtless there is an obvious reason for this which my poor sad brain is incapable of grasping, though I’m pretty certain Mrs Hudson is going to kill us both whatever it is.’

‘I was hungry.’

‘There’s a first time for everything I suppose. Go on. I’ll get a cloth. Which is more than you’ll ever do.’

‘I wanted a sandwich.’

‘A sandwich. All right! I’ll stop being your pet parrot. Go on.’

‘So I texted Speedy.’

‘You texted Speedy.’

‘May I remind you…’

‘Yes, yes, I know! But please, just put me out of my misery. For God’s sake why didn’t you just walk down the stairs, out of the front door, turn left, take four of your extra-long paces, go into Speedy’s café and ask him in person?’

‘I was busy.’

‘Of course. Silly me. ‘

‘I requested that Speedy deliver my sandwich.’

‘Complete with liquid egg and industrial quantities of brown sauce.’

‘Double fried egg and black pudding. With extra HP.’

‘Good God! Were you expecting guests?’

‘I’d solved four problems before breakfast, six afterwards, I remembered how annoying you get with your evening harangues about what I may or may not have eaten during your absence so I texted Speedy and he delivered exactly what I requested. Most speedily too, I might add.’

‘But why the hell did it end up all over the doormat? And the carpet? And the stairs?’

‘Too busy to answer the door. Told him to post it.’

‘Post it?! Through the letter box?’

‘Exactly. At which point it fell out of the bag.’

‘And then you dripped it all up the stairs while you were eating it.’

‘Finished it by the fifteenth step.’

‘Think I might prefer it when you don’t eat after all… And if I didn’t have to double up as your cleaner as well as everything else. Anyway, have you seen my phone? I left it behind by mistake this morning. Do you know where it is?’

‘Probably at Battersea by now, waiting to be loaded into one of those yellow containers. All nice and ready to be towed down the river to Dartford.’

‘What? What the fuck? The landfill? What…’

‘It was broken.’

‘Damned well wasn’t broken when I left this morning. What the hell did you do to it? Sherlock? Before I kill you, tell me what you did.’

‘It became somewhat wet.’

‘Somewhat wet. Bloody hell. Do I really want to know how?’

‘I used it to text Speedy. I knew you had his number.’

‘And? Oh God, why am I even asking?’

‘I dropped it.’

‘Don’t tell me…’

‘Down the loo. I don't think I'm very good at texting whilst I'm pissing‘

‘I knew it, just knew it. So why the hell didn’t you just remove the sim card and leave it to dry out? Even if you had pissed on it I could have disinfected it. Why the fuck did you throw it away?’

‘Broken.’

‘You will be in a minute mate if you don’t explain.’

‘Did try to dry it out. Didn’t work.’

‘I’m taking deep breaths here, doing my best to keep calm...’

‘Do you know how long it takes for a mobile phone to explode in a microwave oven?’

‘Oh sweet Jesus! Please God. NO!’

‘It was an interesting experiment. Pointless though, in the long run.’

‘And the microwave?’

‘Battersea also.’

‘I don’t have words… I simply don’t have the words… I suppose the only positive thing I can think of is at least we still have the oven and the hob…’

‘Erm… Well… The reason why I was texting Speedy in the first place…’

‘Sherlock… If I go out and come back in again, it’s not going to get any better, is it?’

‘No, I can’t say that it is, actually…’


End file.
